Stop Criticizing Others: Here's How

Overview

Healthy connections are poisoned by criticism. While it's understandable to be frustrated when someone hurts you, being overly critical can build stress in any relationship over time. First, work on altering your own conduct so that you can recognize criticism before it occurs. Then, if someone annoys you, figure out how to communicate effectively. Finally, work on educating yourself and confronting any preconceived notions that cause you to be unduly critical.

Changing Your Way of Thinking

Consider what you're saying before you say it. Consider whether you really need to say anything at all before you start criticizing. Is it really necessary to point up anything that has gotten on your nerves? It's sometimes wise to overlook minor transgressions. Instead of criticizing, take a few calm breaths and leave the room.

• It's preferable not to make judgments about someone's personality. Personality quirks are something over which people have very little control. If your buddy Jane has a habit of getting caught up in her own hobbies, it's best to just smile and nod as she waxes lyrical about a new TV show she's obsessed with. If this is just something she does, criticizing it is unlikely to change her behavior.

• Don't criticize someone based on their personality rather than their behavior. It could be a problem if your partner forgets to pay his phone bill on time each month, for example. However, asking, "Why are you so forgetful?" isn't particularly productive. It could be best to be silent for the time being, and then, when you're calmer, talk about finding productive ways to better manage bill payment, such as downloading a phone app that will remind you when it's time to pay the phone bill every month.

Be realistic: People who are critical frequently have high expectations of others around them. It's probable that your tendency to criticize arises from having unrealistic expectations of others around you. It may be a good idea to change your expectations if you find yourself continually angry or disappointed by others. 

• Consider the last time you chastised someone. What is the source of this criticism? Were your expectations realistic in the situation? Let's imagine you chastised your girlfriend for not responding to your SMS promptly while she was out with her pals. You informed her that she should have responded straight away since she made you feel uncared about.

• Take a moment to consider these expectations. Is it really reasonable to expect your girlfriend to be on her phone while socializing? Isn't it reasonable to expect your girlfriend to have a social life outside of your relationship? If you're busy, you've probably missed some texts or returned them late. Perhaps you should change your expectations in this scenario. If you know your girlfriend is out with other people, it may not be appropriate to anticipate a text response right away.

Depersonalize other people's actions: Critical persons have a tendency to personalize events that occur in their environment. This can lead to personalizing other people's actions. You could feel compelled to criticize someone who irritates you or makes your life unpleasant. However, keep in mind that other individuals have their own lives and challenges. The majority of the time, when someone bothers you, their actions are not directed at you.

• Assume you have a friend who frequently cancels plans. You can interpret this as a sign of contempt and feel obligated to chastise that individual for not appreciating your friendship. However, in all likelihood, your friend's actions are not personal.

• Consider the situation from a different angle. Is your pal overworked? Is she just a flaky person in general? Is your pal more introverted than the rest of the group? A number of variables may cause a person to frequently cancel plans. Most likely, it has nothing to do with you. Criticizing someone who already has a hard life may cause them to become even more stressed.

Separate the individual from their actions: Filtering is a common mistake made by critical people. This implies that you only see the negative features of a situation or a person, ignoring the positive attributes that exist alongside the negative ones. It's possible that you'll start criticizing others as a result of this. Stop making assumptions about a person's character if you find yourself doing so. Separate a frustrating activity from the person who is performing it. We all make mistakes from time to time, but single misbehaviour does not reflect our overall character.

• Do you automatically assume that someone who cuts in line is rude? If this is the case, pause for a while and think about it. Perhaps that guy is in a rush. Maybe he's thinking a lot and didn't realize he'd cut. The activity has the potential to irritate you. It's inconvenient to be cut in line. However, avoid judging a stranger's character only on the basis of their actions.

• You may naturally want to criticize less if you work on separating the person from the activity. You won't be able to call someone out for being rude or disrespectful once you know you can't determine a person's character based on a single choice or decision.

Concentrate on the positives: Being critical is frequently the outcome of how you choose to view a situation. There are flaws and shortcomings in everyone. The vast majority of people, on the other hand, have positive traits that surpass their defects. Focus on a person's great characteristics rather than their flaws.

• A positive mindset can influence how you respond to stress. The amygdala, which is the main trigger of stress and anxiety, is activated by negative emotions. If you're feeling agitated, it's possible that you'll have unfavorable encounters with others. Stop criticizing others by working on developing a good mindset. 

• Believe that everyone contains some natural goodness. While you may be skeptical about this claim, try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Look for people who are doing good in the world and go out of your way to find them. Concentrate on the individual in the grocery who wished the cashier a pleasant day. On your walk to your desk, pay attention to the employee who always grins at you.

• People's shortcomings are frequently the result of other, excellent characteristics. Your lover, for example, may take a long time to do simple home activities. This could be due to the fact that he is more conscientious than other people. Perhaps he spends an extra 20 minutes doing the dishes because he wants them to be spotless.